just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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