well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
