Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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