She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
