if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Holy sore nipples Batman
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
