Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The air was thick with penises
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
