just tell him i said nine months
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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