his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
