He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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