He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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