38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
