I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
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