I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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