i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
