My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
