we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
