I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
