My balls are so social today.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
