I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
