I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
