Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize