Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
