I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
