You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
