he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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