Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im holly from the hills drunk
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
