The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
