You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
