im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
