Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
