I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize