you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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