Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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