you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
