ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
that's an acceptable place to lick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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