This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
