just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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