He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
