My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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