dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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