Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
