His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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