there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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