I'm going to rape someone's good day.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
