I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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