i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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