I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
