he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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