His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
