Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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