i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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