my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
