just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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