Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
