if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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