It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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