She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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