I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my poor anus
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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