i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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