im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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