it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
