I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
