so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I could make wine with my vomit
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
