I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
