i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
