after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
